Loud Bastards

In the immortal words of a good friend and colleague of mine: “You know what my problem is? I hate people.” It’s a feeling I can occasionally relate to. And by “occasionally,” I mean *right now*. I’m at La Colombe, as I am every morning, and there is a group of men next to me who are talking so loudly and so non-stop that I want to slap the living crap out of them. And to make matters worse, the group keeps growing. It started with two guys. Then someone else came in and (loudly) joined them. Then *another* guy came in and (loudly) joined them. Then one left, but not unlike cutting off the head of the hydra, he was replaced by two more. And now they are just continuing to loudly talk in a very loud--

HOLY SHIT! ANOTHER ONE!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, SOME KIND OF CONSPIRACY!!! EVEN AS I SIT HERE TYPING THIS, THEIR LARGE LOUD ANNOYING GROUP HAS JUST GROWN LARGER, LOUDER, AND MORE ANNOYING! The new guy just asked me if he could take the empty chair from my table. I politely smiled and said, “no problem,” but what I really wanted to say was, “Depends. Are you going to SHUT THE HELL UP?!” Damn my pleasant demeanor and good upbringing!

It’s not really their fault. They’re not really doing anything wrong. I mean, that doesn’t make me hate them any less, but they’re just hanging out (loudly) in a café where everyone hangs out. And the whole café is loud, but what’s annoying is the fact that they’re sitting so close to me that I can hear their individual words and sentences instead of just the generic loud hum that people generate when they’re not sitting so damned close. Also, I just can’t relate to wanting to sit in a large, loud, annoying group and talk in a loud, annoying way. I like to sit alone, or maybe with a friend, and hang out in a quiet way. I don’t understand this philosophy of, “Hey! Look! Another person who can join us and talk loudly! Hooray! The more the merrier!” As far as I’m concerned, it’s “the more, the annoyinger.” How come nobody ever sits next to me who just wants to read a book or work on their laptop? How come it’s always loud bastards?